An Article

I never noticed the impact he made on me, my father. He seemed alone. Like noone wanted to be with him, not even me. I admit, he always seemed like he wanted to be near me, like I'm the last thing he could hold onto. So I pushed away. "Chris, I had no idea you liked apple butter! I like it too!" phrases like that would just..push me away. We were magnets, he would draw near- I would negate his action...Maybe I shouldn't have fought to get away as much as I should have...Maybe if I accepted him into my shell, he wouldn't have overdosed. Maybe if I didn't act as though I hated him entirely, he wouldn't have died. This is just an article.


  I'm that set of Christmas tree lights that you bought last year, tangled up in myself...lights dying off each year, until I'm completely dead. If my father hadn't have died I probably wouldn't be lost right now. When he died my reaction was "Yeah..well..It was going to happen." My mother said once I get older that I'd wish he was still here, she was right. I no longer reside within myself. I don't know who I am. The future scares me. My mind is confused, I shouldn't have to feel akward when I talk around my friends, I know i never felt like that before. I shouldn't have to feel as though I'm lossing all my friends...my social life...my world. And the part about that is..I can't tell if I'm really lossing myself..or if everyone is pushing away, even the world itself...I wonder...would I be different than I am now, if he was still here? Would I reside within my self-conciousness, and would I feel out of place among anyone? I never felt like that when he was alive..why do I feel like it now? Life works in odd ways, I know when he was alive I wouldn't have noticed a guy on the street and thought to myself "Wow that guy is really hot." But now that dad's gone I catch myself doing that- alot. If he was alive I don't think I would have been homosexual. I don't think I would have quit soccer. And the future wouldn't scare me.


  Once my dad said "I really don't like Sheetz..." I asked him why and he said it was too futuristic. I told him I thought it was a cool idea for a gas station, that I liked thinking of the future. How everything would be so different. The truth is, now, the future scares me. I don't know where I'll be, I don't know what will become of me...Sure, I have an idea of what I'll be when I grow up...But I never thought that I'd be scared to talk even around my best friends, either. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of things I enjoyed when he was alive. We lived in Lynchburg, on Elmswood. It was a nice neighboorhood, really. Almost like from a movie. When we moved in a old couple from across the street brought us a cake to welcome us. They showed me around, too. I met Joseph than, he was our neighboor. Pam- who was a middle aged lady that lived next door. Will- who I met on my own one Winter when I was going around asking people if they wanted me to shovel off the snow on their side walk. Some people met Will and Joseph when I invited them to my 4th grade birthday party. Pam eventually moved to Bedford and thankfully I have someone from my past that I can socialize with. Those people helped balance me among my father, they kept my life in order. Pam resembled my mother, and Will and Joseph were good friends. So even through the divorice I still had a mother and friends. On Satrudays and Sundays I would usually rollerblade to 7/11 which was near. Buy a newspaper [for dad], a drink, something for breakfast, and a pack of Pokemon cards- which changed to Yugioh cards once they got popular. I didn't actually know the people that worked at the 7/11 but they knew my routine. Eventually we would talk a little, and one woman always smiled when I came in...Like she was watching her own childhood memories. I remember the Saturday morning cartoons, I always woke up right on time for them. Monster Rancher, Fighting Foodons, the actual good Saturday morning cartoons. They don't come on anymore...Even the cartoons that come on...Be them either Saturday morning or just regular cartoons, aren't even what they used to be. The future took away the weekends I once had...The friends I had...And the balance that kept' me who I was.